HOW TO STOP BEING THE “NICE GUY” WITH ONE RULE10 min read

What if I told you there’s ONE rule that could transform your life overnight? A rule that successful people like Marcus Aurelius, Ben Franklin, Tim Ferriss, and Derek Sivers swear by? Imagine waking up tomorrow with more energy, more time, and zero regrets about how you’re spending your day. In the next 10 minutes, I’m going to share the life-changing “F*** Yeah or No” rule that’s backed by scientific research and has helped thousands break free from the people-pleasing trap and being a “nice guy.” If you’re tired of feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like you’re living someone else’s life, this post is for you.

Here’s how to stop being the “nice guy” and transform your life:

1. Figure out who you are and what’s important to you (and not other people)
2. Stand your ground (establish boundaries and actually stick to them) – how to say “no” and the danger of people please
3. Add more “F*** Yea” events to your life!

1: FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE

Our first step is figuring out who you are and what truly matters to YOU—not what others think should matter.

The science behind this is fascinating. Research in neuroscience shows that our brains have limited decision-making capacity. Dr. Roy Baumeister talks about “ego depletion,” which is that willpower works like a muscle that fatigues with overuse; every choice you make drains your mental energy reservoir.

A 2011 study examining judicial decisions found that judges were approximately 65% more likely to grant favorable rulings at the beginning of the day or right after a food break. As decision fatigue set in, the likelihood of favorable decisions plummeted. This means the more decisions we make, the less likely we are to make good decisions. Our “decision muscle,” tires out.

A much easier way to live life, is to simply have priorities in life and stick to them. Now, I’m sure the legal situations are difficult, but do you ever find yourself bogged down with random emails, texts, and mini-tasks that makes accomplishing what’s truly important to you difficult? The big tasks? The heavy tasks that actually push you closer towards your goals fall to the wayside.

This is why it’s essential to figure out who you are.

What are those most important goals in your life? What is everything else? Can you emphasize the important goals and do less of everything else? Can you figure out who you truly are?

Now, this is going to sound silly, but do you like coffee or dislike coffee? Enjoy hiking or not? Read fantasy or don’t like fantasy books? Use a physical or digital calendar? Willing to commute by car or not to a job? It seems stupidly simple to ask these questions, but do you have answers? Because every time you flounder on one of these simple decisions you are taking away mental energy for the truly important things. And, when you don’t know who you are, and answer a decision that doesn’t align with what’s important to you, it chips at you. Bogs you down. Causes this feeling of being overwhlemed, and anxious, and just darn angry for now reason.

Every time you say yes to something that doesn’t align with your core values, you’re not just wasting time—you’re literally depleting your brain’s capacity to make important decisions about what truly matters to you.

Here’s how to implement this step:

1. Values Audit: Take 30 minutes to write down what YOU value most, not what others expect you to value. Research from Columbia University shows that when our actions align with our personal values, our decision satisfaction increases by up to 43%.
2. Decision Journal: For one week, record every request you say yes to, rating your genuine enthusiasm from 1-10. Any score below 8 is likely not a true priority for you.
3. Priority Filtering: Create a physical list of your top 3-5 priorities and post it where you’ll see it daily. Studies show that visual reminders increase follow-through by over 40%.

Who are you? Know it, and not only will people respect you more, but you will respect yourself more and just be happier. Trust me (and the science).

Sources:

• Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2016). Strength model of self-control. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
• Schweitzer, D. R., Baumeister, R., Laakso, E., & Ting, J. (2023). Self-control, limited willpower and decision fatigue in healthcare settings. Internal Medicine Journal.

POINT 2: STAND YOUR GROUND – ESTABLISH AND STICK TO BOUNDARIES (4:30-7:30)

Now that you know what matters to you, it’s time to protect those priorities by establishing real boundaries. And science shows this isn’t just about willpower—it’s about your mental health.

Research into people-pleasing behavior—what psychologists call “sociotropy”—reveals its devastating effects. Chronic people-pleasers experience significantly higher rates of anxiety and depression, increased burnout risk, and even compromised immune function from the constant stress of saying yes to everything.

One of my favorite things someone told me when I was young and letting a friend cheat off of me on a test, which ended up getting me in a bunch of trouble was, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” And I think about it all the time.

The psychological toll is particularly disturbing. Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen found that people-pleasers are at significantly higher risk for burnout because they “tend to be very kind, thoughtful people, which makes it that much harder for them to set boundaries.” This creates a vicious cycle where saying yes becomes automatic, fueling resentment and depleting your energy for what actually matters.

But here’s the good news, you can fix it. With one word. “No.”

Each time you say no, you’re literally rewiring your brain, strengthening neural pathways that make future boundary enforcement easier. It’s called neuroplasticity, and it’s your secret weapon against people-pleasing.

Here’s how to implement this step:

1. Start Small: Choose one low-stakes situation this week to practice saying no.
2. Script Your Responses: Prepare 3-5 go-to phrases that feel authentic to you, don’t lie. Be honest. Own who you are and people will respect you for it:
   • “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to pass.”
   • “That doesn’t work for my schedule right now.”
   • “I’ve committed to limiting my obligations this month.”
3. The 24-Hour Rule: For any non-urgent request, say “Let me get back to you.” This buffer prevents automatic yeses and gives your true priorities a chance to assert themselves.

And here’s the most important paradox. When you are selfish in this way, it is one of the most unselfish things you can do. Why? Because when you take care of yourself, you are much better positioned to take care of others. Evidence shows doctors suffering from burnout have significantly worse patient outcomes.

Sources:

• Sorensen, D. (2023). People-pleasers are at a higher risk of burnout. CNBC.
• Heather Hayes & Associates. (2022). The Disease to Please: Hypervigilance Around Others’ Needs.
• Dana Behavioral Health. (2024). Setting Healthy Boundaries: The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health.

POINT 3: ADD MORE “F*** YEAH” EVENTS TO YOUR LIFE!

Now for the fun part—it’s not just about saying no to the wrong things, but saying a resounding YES to what truly lights you up! And there’s fascinating science behind why this matters so much.

Research on regret psychology reveals something incredible: what we regret most in life aren’t our actions, but our inactions. Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that lost opportunities create a uniquely intense form of regret that lingers far longer than regret from actions we’ve taken.

This connects to a psychological concept called “opportunity cost”—what you give up by choosing something else. Every time you say yes to something mediocre, you’re saying no to potentially amazing opportunities that would genuinely excite you. Every time you decide to read one book, you are deciding to not read 1,000 books. Every time you spend a night drinking and staying out late, you are deciding to not sleep well. Again, I’m not judging, just be aware of the decisions and make them actively instead of floating through life on someone else’s autopilot.

Let’s turn this knowledge into action:

1. Joy Inventory: List 10 activities that gave you that “F*** Yeah” feeling in the past year. Research shows that documenting past positive experiences increases the likelihood of creating similar ones in the future.
2. Schedule Block: Reserve at least two hours each week specifically for “F*** Yeah” activities. Studies show that scheduling joy makes you 42% more likely to follow through compared to just intending to do something.
3. Energy Audit: Track your energy levels after different activities for one week. Research shows we dramatically underestimate how energizing our genuine passions are compared to obligation activities.
4. The Hell Yeah Test: Before any new commitment, ask: “Would I do this right now?” If you’d make excuses to postpone it, that’s valuable data.

As Derek Sivers, who popularized this concept, explains: “When you say no to most things, you leave room in your life to really throw yourself completely into that rare thing that makes you say ‘HELL YEAH!'”

The bottom line? Life is too short for “meh” events. Say no to things, so you can say yes to what truly matters.

Sources:

• Beike, D. R., Markman, K. D., & Karadogan, F. (2009). What We Regret Most Are Lost Opportunities: A Theory of Regret Intensity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
• Walls, L. (2024). The Impact of Anticipated Regret on Human Decision Making. University of Michigan.
• Sivers, D. (2020). Hell Yeah or No: What’s Worth Doing.

Summary and Action Steps

The “F*** Yeah or No” rule can transform your life by freeing you from the “nice guy” trap. Here’s what we’ve covered:

1. Know Yourself: Identify your true values to combat decision fatigue. Complete a Values Audit, keep a Decision Journal, and post your top priorities where you’ll see them daily.
2. Say No Without Guilt and set Boundaries: People-pleasing damages your mental health. Start with low-stakes refusals, prepare boundary scripts, use the 24-Hour Rule for requests, and remember—protecting your energy isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
   • “I don’t take meetings before 11am”
   • “I don’t work on weekends”
   • “I don’t attend events that require more than 30 minutes of travel unless I’m genuinely excited”
3. Embrace “F* Yeah” Opportunities: What we regret most are missed opportunities, not actions. Create a Joy Inventory, schedule dedicated time for what energizes you, and apply the “Would I do this right now?” test to new commitments.

Research from clinical psychologists shows that people who implemented these boundary-setting techniques reported a 40% reduction in stress and a 35% increase in overall life satisfaction within just 6-8 weeks.

THE ULTIMATE QUESTION: What could your life look like six months from now if you stopped being the “nice guy” who says yes to everything and instead only committed to things that genuinely excited you?

Doing all these things is really not easy. But it can dramatically improve your life and the people you care about life.

Hope it helps and good luck!

Zach

SOURCES:

1. Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2016). Strength model of self-control. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
2. Sorensen, D. (2023). People-pleasers are at a higher risk of burnout. CNBC.
3. Beike, D. R., Markman, K. D., & Karadogan, F. (2009). What We Regret Most Are Lost Opportunities: A Theory of Regret Intensity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
4. Sivers, D. (2020). Hell Yeah or No: What’s Worth Doing.
5. McKeown, G. (2020). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. Crown Business.
6. Dana Behavioral Health. (2024). Setting Healthy Boundaries: The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health.
7. Walls, L. (2024). The Impact of Anticipated Regret on Human Decision Making. University of Michigan.
8. Franklin, B. (1793). The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.